My "Before" Post

Before my workout this morning (at 6am, this is relevant), I took some pictures to serve as my "before" images. I've done this before, but I was so depressed about things that I ended up deleting them in shame. That said, that's not the path I want to walk down again and was determined to change the course of my thoughts this go-around.

6am Bleh, feeling gross

I took the usual bleh picture that mostly shows that it's 6am and I didn't get much of sleep. I started to feel the same awful shame and disappointment in myself for letting it get this bad, but I know that hasn't served me in the past at all. So I took more, and gave myself permission to be okay with my body, rolls and all. I'm a lot stronger than I used to be, and I was determined to show it to myself. No make-up, no cover-ups to hide my rolls. Just me.

Strong and laughing at myself

I think that it's easy to get lost in how we don't look the way we wish we did, and ignore the organic machine we drive through our lives. For me personally, I tried to shy away from the shame and embarrassment of having my body so at odds with how I felt I should look -- which meant that I ignored it and continued to feel bad. I wore strictly colors that, as my sister pointed out, made me invisible in a crowd. As a person who is typically drawn to vibrant jewel tones, this impacted my psyche and how I felt about the way I presented to the rest of the world. It combined with pre-existing depression and became a terrible self-fulfilling cycle wherein I was depressed, and felt completely blocked off from the things that had previously helped.

Nothing to hide

Feeling that I wasn't good enough for the fashions and lifestyles I wanted to be a part of was a strange thing to deal with. I envied the people who could just go without having to wade through the internal litany of reasons why they weren't allowed. I would comb through the galleries after the events were over, wishing I had half the confidence in myself to take part as the women of all sizes I saw. But looking in the mirror made me cringe. It's one thing to brush off the judgmental or critical comments about one's size from a stranger -- after all, you don't have to value what they say because they aren't important to your life. It's even slightly less difficult when a loved one says something, because while it hurts -- it's someone whose opinion you care about -- you still have your own back.

Not embarrassed by pudge

Having that deeply critical voice come from inside the house as it were, has been an extremely difficult challenge to overcome. Who has defenses against themselves? By the very nature of our internal voice, it's not something you can just run from. For me, I just remained miserable, feeling awful for eating anything at all (even if it was healthy), which only sapped me of any energy I might have used for exercise. I'd eat unhealthy foods for comfort, which resulted in more guilt. It was a terrible cycle.

I looked back over the times when I had the most success in my fitness, and upon review it became obvious that I do best when I'm happy and truly engaged in what I do. Fencing in college was something I'd always wanted to do, and I dropped twenty-five pounds over the course of two semesters. Of course, when team politics took a nose dive and I lost my love of the sport, I gained twice what I lost. It took me a long time to realize how closely tied my emotions and my fitness really are.

Booty

I lost some of the weight I gained back when I graduated and moved to Georgia for my first real Career Job™ and was filled with the kind of professional enthusiasm that comes from a recent college grad who just barely squeaked into the workplace before the recession hit. As the long hours and stress took their toll over the next seven years, I gained most (but not all) of it back. I was cut off from other pagans and lived in fear of discovery in one of the darkest, most bigoted parts of the bible belt. I was miserable and felt too trapped in my situation to leave (you're seeing a theme here, yes?).

Thankfully, as this increasingly wordy monologue winds to an end, the Goddess intervened* and literally out of nowhere I found the strength to leave. I'd saved up to cushion the fall and took a leap of faith, moving without having another job lined up. I absolutely love my new job (in a completely different industry); after a year of washing away the crud that built up in Georgia, I'm motivated. I'm finding reasons to love this body. My spiritual practice is becoming more regular. I'm learning how to be happy, and it's wonderful.

We can do this. 

Height: 5'5"
Weight: 168
BMI: 28.0 (overweight)

*You know, I used to get annoyed when people would attribute things to divine inspiration/intervention, but having experienced it firsthand, I'm now a believer. It was very sudden and I felt Her influence very strongly. It was pretty much the only thing that could give me the confidence I needed to not talk myself out of it.