Teenage Beliefs

Continuing on with "The Great Work" by Tiffany Lazic, today's question is:

What messages about the world do you remember believing as a child or teenager?

I had an enduring belief that I would one day find my people, my tribe, and that we'd have this wonderful pagan community of love and support. That we'd celebrate the seasons together, that we'd be truly present for one another in times of grief and joy. I thought I just had to find them.

I had an unshakable belief that that people of other countries and cultures didn't have the same problems and awfulness  that we did in the USA. I felt that other countries -- despite hearing about their own wars and genocide -- didn't have the selfishness and pettiness that I found so prevalent in my own country. I thought that all these beautiful places outside our borders just had shit figured out, and that we were behind the curve on civil liberties and cultural progressiveness. Some part of me believed that if I could just move to England/Peru/Croatia/Kiribati/wherever, I could live happily and celebrate local cultures in peace because everyone else was just better than us. 

I also remember believing that there was hope and possibility everywhere. It sounds a little strange now, but I remember believing that there was nothing on earth I couldn't do if I'd put my mind to it. Watching dancers or hearing incredible singers, watching master craftspeople working their art, etc... I believed firmly that all of these possibilities were also open to me, that I could be a blacksmith or glass blower or acrobat if I really wanted to. The world of possibility was vast and ever-expanding. 

I don't think what happened between then and now has anything to do with those possibilities contracting in any way, but more with me losing the energy needed to pursue those things. Sure, now that I'm older I don't think that I'll ever be an opera singer or ballerina, but other things -- things that I still love and am interested in -- are still within the realm of possibility for me to take up as a hobby, especially now that I'm getting the help I need for medical issues and my energy is coming back.

There's another message about the world my teenage self believed that I'm having a hard time putting words to but that shaped so, so much of the obstacles I'm learning to overcome now in my 30s. I was self-conscious about everything, and deeply concerned that everything I did was viewable (and judged) by all. I received messages about the world that I was both insignificant but scrutinized, that I was generally unwanted or begrudgingly accepted in groups but that my actions and words were analyzed for flaws. It's a strange mindset that I was (repeatedly) told was self-centered and wrong, but without any nurturing of the good parts of my mindset I ended up feeling that everything I did and thought was wrong somehow -- and I was powerless to change it. That is, that some souls are born as toads and don't you DARE try to aspire to be anything else.
 
I received conflicting messages that I had to succeed academically and financially, but that if I DID succeed, I was being a snob and thought I was better than other people. My teenage years (and subsequently, my early 20s) were filled with no-win situations where I was supposed to achieve and accomplish great things, but if for a moment I took pride in those accomplishments, I was arrogant and big-headed. So I ended up in a terrible loop of over-achieving and being depressed about it because it was simultaneously not enough but also too much. I was a mess. I was deeply afraid to pursue things I desperately wanted to do because I felt that my successes or failures in those arenas would be somehow more painful. I wanted to keep the little flame of interest protected and safe, and in the process managed to smother them.
 
I'm still working through a lot of those self-reinforced ideas. I still run into problems where people I care about treat my successes as personal attacks to their lives, or act as though my accomplishments make me vain and arrogant. I'm still afraid to celebrate my hard work and find myself believing that the rewards for my toil are pure chance, that I'm just lucky. It's an insidiously difficult mindset to break, but I'm slowly chipping away at it and no longer allowing those people to influence/manipulate the way I view myself and my life.

***

Holy crow, that dug up some painful things. I guess that's the point, but I really wasn't prepared for where that took me.