In Which There is a New Project and Grumpiness

I'm starting The Great Work by Tiffany Lazic today. I've read the primer and chose to skip through to the part of the year where I'm at instead of reading each seasonal section sequentially, starting at Yule  -- I'm not a fan of the idea that you have to wait until a new year to begin your efforts, because life happens and the wheel keeps turning. Started near Ostara? Pick up in freaking Ostara. Make it relevant to now instead of reading it academically.

It's actually pretty awesome.

Honestly, I'm too tired to throw more words at that. If I'm being really honest, I feel like I shouldn't be writing at all because it's early and I'm still fuzzy-headed and grumpy. But the point behind all of this -- the reason I bought this book, the reason I'm digging deeper -- is because there is rarely a perfect time for anything. It's the willpower and the drive to do the thing a more motivated you committed to doing. My willpower when purchasing the book was that sort of glowing gold radiance you feel deep inside your chest that makes you feel like yes, of course! This is the book for me! The idea of aligning my thoughts and meditations with the wheel of the year matches everything I've been looking for!

It's the same radiant enthusiasm that one discovers within themselves while, say, standing in a health and nutrition store listening to the very fit salesperson talk about how their life changed when they took CHARGE and suddenly you're deciding that NOW IS THE TIME TO BE HEALTHY!! and buy all the things that ultimately taste like chalk and make you crave a hamburger. Of course that enthusiasm doesn't always last. That's the point. There's a billion dollar industry based around it, but that doesn't reduce the purity of the feeling. Sometimes your willpower is like a sad carrot in the vegetable drawer in your fridge. Maybe it's a little grubby and not as crisp as the day you bought it. Doesn't mean it's not a carrot, though.

Perhaps the analogy got away from me there at the end. I'm tired.

Without further ado, here's the personal reflection for March 15th: What dreams for your life did you have as a child or teenager?

This one is a little weird for me, because I didn't have career dreams as a teenager. My dreams were mostly just being one with nature and doing yoga and drinking tea. I dreamed of having a group of people who felt similarly, and had this strange longing for a place I'd never been. I just wanted to garden and walk in the forest and do witchery all the time.

I often thought about how once I was out on my own, I'd take up belly dance and rock climbing and aerial silks, how I'd dance when I wanted to and go hiking or swimming any time the mood struck.

It's so strange how separated I am from that now. I still want those things, but there's this undefined barrier in my head that makes me assume that all of those things are outside my reach. I'm not sure if it's a byproduct of always having my dreams at arm's length for practical reasons, but even now when I know I have the ability to do all the witchery I want, to hike all the trails... something stops me. I stop me. And I don't know why.

Maybe I should, uh, meditate on that.

In related news, the calendar my sister gave me for Yule also mentioned dreams today, and now that I'm looking at it and comparing it to what I just wrote, maybe the issue is that I'm judging myself for my dreams and deciding whether or not they measure up. I'm taking my shitty past experiences and deciding that since they sucked, so will the undefined future efforts.

So it turns out that I have a lot to think about today. But first: coffee.