A Sacred Pause

There's a word I'm looking for that I can't quite find. It's the name of ancient stone markers found on long and difficult paths so that travelers, having traversed vast, breathtaking vistas and toiled through rocky, perilous uncertainty can reorient to find their way. It's a symbol that serves to mark the path, but also to shake you from your focus on the obstacles and remind you of your journey.

I'm still on a lot of heavy medication post-surgery, but here's the general gist of things:

Last Wednesday I went into surgery to remove an ovarian cyst and, while they were in there, to follow up on some unusual red flags. The nurses were extremely kind and took very good care of me and my surgeon took the time to explain everything and answer all my questions before I went under.

In the haze of waking up from the general anesthesia, the nurses continued to care for me with absolute kindness. They made sure I was warm, had ice chips, crackers and anything else I needed. I swam in and out of sleep. At one point, my doctor came in and let me know that they took out the cyst and a significant volume endometrial tissue, that I'd required a blood transfusion and would be out of commission longer than initially planned. She said that she'd follow up with me later, after the drugs wore off.

She called on Thursday to let me know that I have a severe case of endometriosis. In very solemn tones, she told me that we need to have a serious talk about my family plans, because fertility will be an issue with me. More to the point, carrying a child would be an extreme risk to my health even if I beat the odds and managed to get pregnant. In any case, I'll have to undergo treatment for the rest of my life to keep it under control to reduce the pain.

I can't say I really wanted kids, so I guess it's better that this has happened to me rather than to someone with heartfelt maternal aspirations. That said, it's really not that simple and my feelings are complicated.

I have a lot to say eventually, but for now I'm resting and being kind with myself. I'm taking a sacred pause, holding a personal space for myself where I am processing everything on my own without the obligation of explaining to others.