Hypermobile

This is a bit of a divergent topic that I just need to get down on paper (so to speak) for myself for later.

I've been hypermobile my whole life. As a kid, it was a great source of pride -- I could freak people out by bending and folding myself like so much origami (which, for an 8 year old, there is no greater pursuit). It later helped me out in martial arts and dance, but I just always assumed that being ridiculously bendy was a good thing and somehow translated into heightened athleticism.

It turns out that hypermobility is really, really bad for your joints. In normal people, the muscles and tendons around their joints helps to keep them stable and supported. In hypermobile people, those joints take a brutal beating, even when we're not doing crazy flexible things. It's really important that we, more so than regular people, have to work hard to make sure we're building and maintaining the muscle needed to support our joints so that they don't overextend and push us into early osteoarthritis.

There's more to say about that, but I've realized something else while I've been cultivating the frame of mind I need to be vigilant about how I treat my body.

I know there has to be a word for the way I think. That is, I know it's not unique in its overall design but I've learned in the last couple years that it's not exactly normal, either. It's sort of like.... semi-focused ADD. Instead of not being able to focus on something, I instead go down the pipeline of the thing, rapidly considering the pros, cons, consequences, actions, reactions, everything it touches, what the impact would be if it failed, if it succeeds, how it could change, and then the whole thing all over again with the new changes. On paper it sounds super great, like some kind of business superpower and maybe sometimes it is, a little bit (or just high functioning anxiety, but we're not going there). But... overall it alienates those around me because they're not sure where my head is at, because they just said "hey, what if we [plan]?" and while they're enjoying the possibilities of that plan, I've already decided it's not a viable plan because avocados aren't in season. I'll explain my logic to others and they look at me like I'm insane, but (at the risk of sounding really self-aggrandizing) I'm really good about being spot on in my assessment.

It's a sort of mental hypermobility that has similar consequences of physical hypermobility. It beats up the joints -- the things upon which we all hinge that are typically stabilized by our friendships and relationships to others. Things that are supported by our ability to not find the linchpin in a plan and allows us to venture into uncertainty with a smile. Sure, the plan might not work, but venturing on the path with friends toward a goal is valuable in its own right. But for me -- and all the people like me -- it's really hard to move in that direction because we know the plan won't work. So we're stuck being frustrated because it's hard to see the point of expending the energy when you know the end goal isn't attainable.

So I need to strengthen the supporting mental muscles. I need to practice patience, to learn to slow down sometimes, and to even stop myself from chasing possibilities to every possible conclusion. While there's a sense of satisfaction in seeing the all the mechanical parts that make a situation or project work, it's a cold, lifeless fulfillment that lacks joy or warmth, especially when you start to apply it to other, non-work areas of life. 

There's a scene in an anime that I really like that explains this feeling really well. The show is called Princess Tutu (don't judge) and the title character finds herself pulled out of the actual story and into a place where she can see all the moving parts that create the story. It's a world of cogs and clockwork, and she can only see the story through a little porthole. She's lonely and can't reach anyone she cares about -- and they don't know where she is. 

It's very like being where I am these days, both from my perspective and those around me. I've become very difficult for others to relate to or understand, and I've been so lost in all the variables that it's hard to just be. 

Here's to stabilizing the joints.