Never Cut What You Can Untie

I've been in a twisted, complicated, knotted up state for the past couple days. I don't know what I want -- I'm restless and twitchy and don't want to sit still. I simultaneously want to dig into the earth with my bare hands, rending root and stone to give way to the life I wish to plant, while also wanting to run -- run far and fast and never stop, not for anyone or anything, until I have swallowed the sun with my running and leaping.

I feel disconnected and without inspiration. I feel a slave to my impulses, and when the rational part of me locks down and says no, we are not going to eat all of that food or spend all of that money, I feel caged and restless. So the smaller things go undone, like going to the gym or wiping down the kitchen before I go to bed.

I understand all the disparate parts that have caused this feeling. I know that the health issue, the stress about the health issue, and the complete and utter frustration that there is literally nothing in my power that I can do about it until my goddamn appointment in two weeks has caused this terrible whirlwind inside. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to sit back and wait for them to approve the surgery. I am trying.

I want to tear the sky open with tooth and claw for all my trying.

I am restless and frightened and full of rage. I can't help but feel that this whole issue is being mismanaged -- that saying "oh, you have this cyst the size of a baseball that is causing you extreme pain but we're just gonna see if it ruptures" is dangerous. They told me I could go into shock if it ruptures. They told me that I could get very sick if it ruptures. They told me that I'll know it if it does, and that I should go to a hospital immediately. But they're not going to schedule surgery for six goddamn weeks just to see if it'll rupture.

I am restless and frightened and full of rage.

But I'm trying.