Once More, With Feeling

Back in November I started taking SAM-e (S-Adenosyl Methionine) for depression. I didn't want to jump right in to higher dosages without leading up to it, but eased in gently. The 200mg helped keep my head above the water, but I didn't feel any groundbreaking differences -- the amazing sun-shining, birds-singing cheeriness I was expecting and hoping for never came, but it did help.

A couple weeks ago I upped my intake to 400mg a day. Again, nothing groundbreaking and I didn't feel much of a difference at first. 

A few weeks passed. Then one day I found myself encountering something I haven't felt in at least a decade: envy. Real, true, knee-jerk envy. Friends going to Japan, people going out and having a blast with a group of people -- things that didn't really mean anything to me before and didn't inspire any response suddenly filled me with this feeling I was really unequipped to handle. Why was I suddenly invested in learning every detail about a trip? Why was I suddenly feeling like it wasn't fair that those people had found their tribe and I hadn't? I'd always scoffed when people talked about FOMO -- fear of missing out -- but I never actually understood what it meant.

And then other feelings started showing up, like someone slowly started turning up the color saturation on what I thought was a black and white movie. Pride in my work -- real pride, not just "woo, I did the thing, hurray" -- and hints of joy. A renewed interest in things that I just couldn't bring myself to continue caring about before. Hints of passion for life that I'd nearly forgotten was possible. 

Equilibrium, if you haven't seen it, portrays this feeling pretty well

Quietly, hidden behind the rest, was an interest in what the future might hold. My future, not just the future of the company or the future of a project. I found that I cared about what my future will bring, what it will look like, and how I'll get there. I realize that this sounds absurd for most, but when you live in the headspace where everything you do requires energy you don't have, spending what you haven't got to think about something you aren't sure will happen is a luxury you can't afford. 

I'm not saying everything is suddenly technicolor rainbows of feeling. It's more like I've been living underground for as long as I can remember and somewhere, someone has cracked the seal off the door and let a breeze in. I'm not sure what to do with myself, but it's beautiful.